Tonight as I was talking to my cousin Sheldon, I learned that we feel an affinity toward the happiest countries in the world. Finland, Norwegian, Denmark, and Switzerland! We both have duolingo apps on our phones so we can learn the languages. We want to live over there for a while. Sheldon and I have both looked up what it would take to become a citizen of these countries!!!! Lol No wonder we got along so well right off!
Sheldon of course is way ahead of me on acquiring the languages! We were both doing duolingo at the same time! That is worth a fist bump!!! While Sheldon is flying past me with his acquisition of the language, I all of a sudden became very keen on blogging! I don't want him to know just how much I don't know!!! :) He knows my secret because I can't keep my mouth shut! I could of gotten away with my secret.... Dang I need to be a little more quiet. Now I am going to have to find out what other family members are using duolingo and looking up how to become a citizen in another country... Other than my brother Kent. I already know he has been doing this long before I started into all this!
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If you don't already know I had major surgery removing tumors. I have several layers of stitches. My body has never been good at dissolving stitches and has been "spitting" some of the undissolved stitches. The first time this happened it gave quite a scare! I thought I some horrible thing had happened especially the one stitched that left quite a hole.
Well not only is my body not good at dissolving stitches, it also isn't good at "spitting" out undissolved stitches... sigh... The stitches are getting to the surface enough to irritate my skin tissue and make holes but not enough to get clear out! I know!!! Gross!!! Right?!?!? Hmmmm.... I had tumors that no one but a navy seal was fearless enough to take out. He is my hero!!! Now Since my surgery he might have some regrets... I have overdosed on blood thinners causing myself to start bleeding out... I have had stitches not dissolve and have them "spit" out... And now I have stitches that can't "spit" out and are causing holes and infection!!! I am so glad that Navy Seal mottos are: The only easy day was yesterday. (or Tomorrow is another day! lol) Get comfortable being uncomfortable. (Pain? I don't know how to be without pain!) Don't run to your death. (Well,,,, I kind of messed that one up... blood thinners... oh well...) Have a shared sense of purpose. (No tumor left!) Move, shoot, communicate. (Blast those Tumors!) No plan survives first contact with the enemy. (Stitches have become the new enemy!) All in, all the time. (Yeah!!! I am with you!!!) A few months back I discovered that I had a rare disease and I started doing research on it. It has a wide variety of symptoms with a lot of pain and disfiguring of the body because of tumors. Once I found out about it and started doing some research I found out that there is no known treatment that will get rid of the existing tumors. Actually there is no known treatment! I kept telling my family that underneath the tumors I am a skinny woman!!!! Lol. (Truly after the tumors are out I am not as skinny as I would like to be, however, I am not fat like I thought I was!)
I have been doing more and more research and discovered that no one really knows for sure what in heck is going on!!! Some researchers say it is genetic on the mothers side and some say it isn't genetic. Some say that it only affects women and others say that there are a few men it has affected. It supposedly was first discovered in 1809 but wait.... nope, it was 1938!!! It can shorten your life... oh sorry it won't, just your quality of life!!!!! The disease starts with menstruation... or maybe it is menopause!!! Okay ladies... oh and some men we think... it is most likely a part of rheumatics or autoimmune... nah, just kidding your guess is as good as ours!!! I don't think anyone should be surprised that I no longer rely on western medicine. What I have learned and have figured out for myself is that I have to get rid of as many of the tumors as possible. They cause pain, problems with the vascular system and the lymphatic system and make the heart work harder because of the vascular problems. They also cause anxiety and depression! Oh BTW those symptoms seem to be the only thing the researchers agree on!!! I have found a surgeon brave enough to take out the tumors. (That was no small feat!!! I have called doctors all over the United States, Germany, and the UK!!!!) That wonderful surgeon that is brave enough to take out my tumors is in Sacramento!!! He was a navy seal!! Navy seals do not seem to be afraid of much. My next operation is next year to get out the tumors from my legs!!! I am going to alternative healers to keep the tumors from coming back. All of this has come together through family and people that have been placed in my life for a reason!!! The lesson my daughter has learned from the men in her life, well I guess in some of the men in my life as well. My mom, daughter, Danielle, and I are watching a mystery that has been broken down into a miniseries. One of the lawmen in the mini series is a good father and seems to be a very good and loving husband. And then he gets an offer from a beautiful woman and I say to Danielle, he won't do it he is a good and honorable man. My daughter says you live in la la land of course he is going to go for it, he is a man. Then the man betrayed his wife and his family.
That is what my daughter's experience has been with men... I guess there really aren't honorable men out there anymore. How sad. One of the reasons I do not ever want to marry again. That is the worst betrayal anyone can go through. Not only that reason!!! With s spouse there is total trust and souls are opened and the secrets of the heart goes out. I wish there had been better examples in my daughter's life. I left off needing to hurry and get dressed because company was coming! I am dressed, teethed brushed, hair comb!!! (because of getting a lot of my tumors out I don't have very many clothes that fit the tumor filled half of me and the non tumor half. Skirts and shirts seemed to be working the best! That actually makes me happy! (No transvestite issues here) I have always loved being a girl with skirts, and dresses and I never seemed to have a problem climbing trees in my skirts and dresses. Doing gymnastics did not turn out well with dresses and I had to change to shorts or leotards!
Okay NOW we will get back to how sleep went! As I said before even though my body was thoroughly exhausted last night my mind kicked into hyper drive on anxiety!!! HOLLY HANNAH I DON"T SEEM TO GET A BREAK!!!! I am having to make some really big financial decision that will determine the future! Initially the decision is my hands of where to put what little money I have into investments so my money will generate money. I am learning some of the lingo here to! There is passive income and active income! Money making money is passive income! Sean and Sheldon I have felt a closeness to immediately upon meeting or texting with them; which ever came first! Sean is coming over today to take me by the hand and help me with all these decision!!! I know that making all these anxiety causing decisions is why mom and I had such a wild night!!! Mom was ripping off oxygen, the keep my hairdo pretty cap etc. When I heard her snoring I thought of good I didn't cause her stress!!! I was wrong! She was snoring because she was ripping off the oxygen!!! I should have come up to check on her! I was also having one of those rip off all your clothes and bandages night! My subconscious hasn't figured out that ripping off all clothing does not free me from the decisions!!! LOL I am still encumbered with making decisions! I use to think that I had real modern type of thinking when I was young lady! I wanted to work in my husband's office and be the office manager. LOL I have had accounting classes, teaching degree, early child development, secretarial skills etc!!! HAHAHAHA yes I was a modern women... NOT!!!! I truly am laughing right out loud when I think of this!!! Boy was I wrong. I am more than happy to let my husband (If I had one) take care of the finances. I loved when I was able to be a stay at home mom (except when changing diapers!) I guess I am not a modern woman! I am more than happy to pray and be a sounding board. Making the financial decisions is not my cup of tea!!!! Unfortunately, it has to be!!! (Something that I am is a very strong willed person! with opinions! LOL) @#$%%&*())*%$#@!!@$%&*)) Well Sean and his cute family were over and Sean is such a smart and amazing young man and he is helping me have my money make money! Thank you Sean! He is my mentor! teaching me the world of investment real estate! Sheldon, do not question your intelligence! You are a very smart young man! Quit taking all those IQ test! I have been there talking to you when I was on the really strong drugs after surgery and I didn't always make sense and you were able to figure out what I was saying! It takes a very smart person to put the fragments together and figure out what is being conveyed!!!!! When I go home last night I was so tired I was sure that I would crawl into bed and go into a deep and restful sleep... Nope! (I don''t know what made me think that just because I was so tired that all my safety features on my car were needed for me to make it home in one peace were utilized meant that I would actually get home have scriptures andprayer that I would fall right to sleep. Come to think about it I don't think I ever just came home and crashed!
Instead of falling into bed and having a dreamless wonderful restful sleep, after reading the scriptures and family prayer my anxiety kicked in! Lol (Anxiety and I have been together for decades... Maybe instead of trying to break up with anxiety, I need to learn how to deal with it like a family member than can be toxic. I can only let it hang out with me for limited time and then I need to walk away for a while so I can detox! As ( talked yesterday I discovered that I spoke some of the same language as my brother in law. We both speak AA!! I also speak evangelical christain at times and he does not! Oh well there are other friends that speak evangelical language with me. I also speak the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints language. ( I knew those sociological classes that I loved so much would come in handy someday!!! I just didn't know it would help me identify that I am multi-cultural!0 It might be hard for me to learn to speak languages of other countries, however, I do not have problems of picking up the languages of different social groups!) I am actually pretty proud of my self for recognizing the languages that I do speak! Well back to sleep or lack thereof! Mom and I read the scriptures and had family prayer and then I had my mins going round and round on what the savior had said and a CS Lewis saying came into my head that sort of went along with that. I started to think about what we are all capable of and it scared me a little bit of how a split second choice could taking each one of us down a very dark path or a path filled with life and love. I was thinking of the mistakes I had made in my life (Some of which were pretty big sins and then some were just being young and naive. There truly is a war of good and evil on this earth. The war that we need to worry about the most is the one inside of us!!! And fear can be one of the biggest liars in our head! I have a lot of fear! Fear and anxiety walk the same path most of the time! The problem with fear is that fear can be a warning to get us out of a bad situation, however, I am learning that fear most of the time is a big fat liar!!!! One of the biggest liar I have come across.. So WHY DO I BELIEVE IT SO MUCH!!!!! That scale of 1 to 5 I use to teach my students would probably help me!!!! Isn't it funny that I used to teach my students how to get through fears and be able to socialize with others and yet fear is my biggest problems!!! LOL Physician heal thyself!! Physicians are the worst patients and teachers are the worst students!!! LOL OOOPS I HAVE COMPANY COMING ANY MINUTE AND I AM STILL IN MY NIGHTGOWN WITH BEDHEAD HAIR!!!! TIME TO GET DRESSED!!!!! I WILL BE BACK LATER! I absolutely love this song it is filled with so much hope!!!!! How this song was written: Something I try to do to each day is begin by saying a prayer in the morning, and then end my day with a prayer at night. Sometimes, however, I fall asleep before I say my nightly prayer. One time almost a year ago I had one of these nights where I fell asleep before saying a prayer. Something unusual happened. That night I had a dream. It was different than anything I had experiences before. In my dream I was praying-having a conversation with God. The conversation was also different. I was singing. I could hear simple chords in my dream that I was laying a simple melody and prayer on top of. As I was having this conversation in music with God, He told me to get up and write this down. I thought and said, "...but... I'm sleeping. I'm not sure I know how to get up from a dream!" He told me "if you don't get up now, you'll forget it in the morning." I tried everything I could to wake up, and I did! There in the middle of the night I went straight to the piano with the words and melody I had spoken in my dream still clear in my head, and wrote it all down. It was the fastest I had ever written a song because I feel this one was given to me. I've sung this song several times this year now and people kept asking where to find it so I felt it would be good to share it during this Holiday season. I hope you enjoy it and find encouragement to begin your own simple and sincere conversations in prayer! #mylittleprayer #prayer #christmas ingThe past couple of days have been very full! Especially for me as I am not as recovered as I thought I would be!
Yesterday, I went with my friend and supporter to her appointment with the Voodoo doctor. (I am not seriously going to a VOODOO DOCTOR!!!! I am going to a medical science researcher! :)) Ginger is a research scientist and has been doing this for 30 years. She has a vast knowledge and helps those that western medicine has failed... Like me. Okay back to why I am sharing this... we went to the Voodoo dr and it was the last appointment of the day! When she learned that I wasn't going to be able to go to my next appointment because the stitches aren't dissolving like they are suppose to so she did a quick fit me in! She did the current of energy through me for pre and post surgery to help me heal! And she had been researching about the disease I have (adiposa Doloras) and assured me that she can heal me so that the tumors will not come back after the surgeon removes all of them! When I told her my surgeon had been a Navy seal her reply was oh great because they aren't afraid to tackle the hard cases like other doctors are!!! She agreed with me! Once we figured out that I had this disease then that gave us a focus area to help me. Unfortunately, my friend is not as... well I guess you can say not as lucky as I am. She doesn't have a rare or otherwise disease, there are a lot of things that are causing her problems! She has many things that are wrong with her. There are so many options on what to help her with that it is hard to put a priority. I love her and will help however I can. I hate it because my attempts to help are to keep her spirits and keep a smile on her face! I wish I was to a point I could do more!!! Today my sister, Jen, spent the day with mom! They had lunch together and hung out getting her hair done! ( to look your best: hair, make up and maybe clothes and nails are the armor women put on to keep the outside world of chaos and hurtful words and action from piercing their hearts!!! I personally have felt this to be true for many years!) While Jen and mom were having their day together I was able to go see friends and family before the chaos of the holidays happen! I enjoyed so much being able to just be myself! My friend, D"anna, tells me I am always myself. that I don't say and do what people want to hear. I used to let people pressure me into things in the past. I am working on not letting that happen anymore! There is a song that I absolutely love where it is claimed that "I will stand for my beliefs!!! I absolutely! www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXp09aid-Qo My heart is so full and I feel happy! I also am very tired and ready to fall asleep again watching an UK mystery. (This time Darrah I promise not to let my phone call you at 2:30 in the morning with a 3 minute message of accents describing a murder!!!! You have been a beautiful example to me of someone losing so very much and are making through the dark to light and peace! Thank you!) I have some really big decisions to make right now. I can see the hives forming on my arms and throat! Anxiety is so predictable!!! It comes with small or large decisions! You think I would be use to hives by now.
I remember when I was working at the fist Oak elementary school (I worked at schools that started with Oak and had the eagle as their mascot! I am not quite sure how that happened!) I had received some news about divorce subpoenas again! Between that and other problems I started to break out in hives. They covered my torso, arms and face and as soon as I got out of the school I didn't hold back on itching(scratching). I thought I was only with the paraprofessional that I worked with and then I realized the police officer that did the dare program was in the parking lot as well. We both just sorta stopped and looked at each other (while I continued to scratch everywhere) I didn't know what to say and I just popped out with I am allergic to my ex husband!!! Lol I know he said something about his ex wife. however, I was so focused on the hives that were spreading across my body I have no idea what he said! I will take hives over wanting to cut any day!!! My body needs time to sleep so it can heal from surgeries and anxiety anyway! I hope the benedryl kicks in soon!!!! I was talking to my friend, Janna, today and trying to get the update on her kidney failure. Since she has found out about her kidney failure she has had 2 offers of kidneys, One from her sister and one from her brother, Mike. Janna told Mike that it might be her turn to die and she could go be with Jesus and her daughter, Karinna. Mike told her that wasn't happening. Janna told him that he didn't have a say. Mike informed her that he talks to God everyday so he thinks he can tell him. LOL I told Janna I talk to God several times a day and that counts.... I told her that when I was testifying of Christ I had said that I talk to God all the time and we are finding out how to heal me and nobody seemed to understand. She told me that people just don't get how I talk and my sense of humor! What?!?!?!? How is that possible!!!
So here is a little explanation of who I am and hopefully people will get me a little better! I recently told people I no longer do cleaning therapy, I now do blog therapy. Everyone was looking at me with a blank stare. I have anxiety as you all know and night time is the absolutely worst time for my anxiety. In the night when my anxiety would hit and I could feel a panic attack coming on I would get out of bed and start putting all that energy to work! I would have my mind racing all around and I would vacuum the stairs, put in a load of laundry in the wash. scrub down cupboards and then after about an hour or 2 of doing this I would be starting to come down in anxiety and I might be able to go to sleep. (That is why my daughter Megan told me I could not do cleaning therapy past her curfew time! Lol her room was right next to the utility room and vacuuming could be heard clear through the house!) With all of my health problems and surgeries I couldn't do cleaning therapy anymore. When anxiety hits it comes with a ton of energy and without cleaning therapy to help me work some of the anxiety out I reverted to cutting. I remember cutting when I was a 10 year old girl, so I know I have had anxiety for forever. I have also used humor to get through life. And now I use blogging therapy. I am taking part of what I am feeling and putting it into words and getting some of the anxiety out of me. If you notice I have a ton of posts in one day then I am probably having an anxiety day or a laugh I just can't keep to my self! I have had 4 surgeries in less than a year with 2 of them major surgeries. My doctor has said that my body has gone into a wee bit of shock. It needs lots of rest so it can mend. My body and my soul need to be able to laugh, become closer to my Savior, and learn to love, accept, forgive, repent, serve, and be selfless as much as possible! So I do talk to God several times a day and we are finding ways to heal me and let me thrive. I do blogging therapy, I have a sense of humor that apparently not everyone gets, and I love mysteries even murder mysteries! (It might be because I have a family line of judges, attorneys, lawmen, and thieves! Memories in family history are awesome!!! Oh and I love science! Who would have thought because I refused to dissect the frog in 10th grade. I have to say that working with cadavers is totally different than those yucky frogs! And I prefer to deal with live people more so than the dead!) Okay I have probably totally grossed people out! Sorry! I found a T-shirt that sums me up really well! It's an Allison thing... You wouldn't understand! I love blogging and T-shirt therapy and I am hoping that my blogging is help others as well as helping me! |
I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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