I am staying at my cousin's house currently while I recoup from surgery. (Just a side note, but I have noticed that I really like to use exclamation points, run-on sentences, with spelling issues and just plain typos! Exclamation points are my favs!!!!!) Anyway, back to what I was saying, I have been staying at my cousin's house. I tend to wake up during the night to take meds, have a brilliant idea and want to write in my journal etc. Last night was no exception. I needed a pain pill last night and I seem to think that pain pills or any pills for that matter are much better when I take them with a diet coke, I was trying very hard not to wake the others in the house and I thought I had now stayed at the house that I had the layout right so I would not have to turn on lights and wake everyone up! My plan was going just fine. I was manovering through and I went to walk out of the doorway thinking I had left the door partially open. I was wrong. I had shut the door all the way. And not only did I not leave the door partially open I had misjudged where the door was and walked right smack into the wall!!! I think my OUCH! probably woke them up much more than a light being turned on! Oh well what can I say... nothing.
Tonight I am turning on the lights!
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I am currently staying with one of my cousins as I recuperate from the most recent surgery that if one person said they read my blog and that it helped that I would continue with my blog. The criteria was met and so I will keep my promise and continue to blog. Thank you all so much for the support I received through this.
When I sleep I rarely stay in just one spot. I move around a lot and when I was little I walked in my sleep. Last night I moved around more than the normal and I think I might have slept walked. There were pillows off on the floor on every side of the bed. I lost my journal sometime during the night and at 2;30 in the morning my phone that was tangled in the sheets dialed a local number here in California and left a 3 minute message of a mystery show that takes place in Wales that I was watching when I fell asleep. I received a text message asking me who I was and and why I had called in the middle of the night basically. I replied and a text messaged conversation ensued. I believe things happen for a reason. Hi Darragh, if you are reading this! You brightened my morning! And all my wonderful friends that commented to lift me up and help get me through. I love you all. I just remembered something from my past. A professor I had many years ago when I was pregnant with my 4th (danielle) and she was pregnant with her second asked me how I could love all my children equally. How do you divided your love. My answer to her was love is an amazing thing, it never has to be divided it was infinite! Love just grows and brings more and more people into the warmth of love. I am so lucky, blessed that I am allowed more and more family and friends to love and hopefully uplift and you do for me. Thank you! I received a telephone call today explaining to me why one of my ex husbands was proclaiming that he couldn't stay married to me! The reason was because I was mentally ill.
I would like to ask all of you some questions... Have you ever been so sad that you wanted to eat (your comfort food here) and stay home? Have you ever felt anxious because you had a set back financially? Have you ever been at a job when you woke up in the morning and you thought I can't take another day with these people that do not value me? Have you ever asked why did I persue this path in life? Have you ever had crying babies with a ton of diapers to change and wanted to scream and run out the door and let someone else handle it for a few hours? Have you ever asked yourself if you made the bad choices or was it the circumstances in life that totally screwed you over? Have you ever looked at someone else"s life and thought they are more together than I am and why can't I be like them? Have you ever had problems in your close relationships and not known what to do? Have you ever been sick and been told there is no cure but we can treat the symptoms for (arthritius, or your illness here)? If any of those things brought sadness or frustrations????? Because if it did you are insane and your spouse should divorce you just like my husband divorced me. People will often use whatever justification they can for the truly hurtful, and selfish things that they do. I started this blog because it gives me a voice and I know we all have things that bring frustration, sadness, anxiety, eating of a quart of ice cream in one sitting, losing ourselves in games, novels, whatever your escape mechanism is and it is okay we just don't want to stay there!!!! I thought that my blog would help to uplift people when times were hard knowing that they aren't going through it alone. Everyone goes through hard times! Sometimes they hit you hard and fast like it has for me this past three years! I tried to stay vague on this website because I did not ask permission to tell about the people involved in some of the stories I have told. Today I am going to be a little more specific. I laugh everyday of my life and I have people that I love so very much that I can't say it in words! I have some of the very best family and friends in the world. I am so blessed and lucky to have them in my life. I have also had the sad and hurtful things in my life that everyone has either had or knows someone that has like, illnesses, money challenges, jobs challenges, times when people have been hurtful to me, I have had people that I love so dearly, betray me, with someone else. I have had people that I love deeply die and I miss them sometimes so very much that it takes my breath away . then I get back up dust myself off and keep going to find joy, playful, fun, goofy, singing person I always am. I am a normal person in a world that has all of the above things happen to us. Sometimes like a betrayal of a spouse or the death of someone you love so very much knocks you right down to the ground and it is a struggle getting back up and staying up. I just happen to have health issues, money challenges, job challenges, death of a loved one and betrayal all in one year! I am making my way back up to thriving and I thought I could help others who have been hit from every side like I have. I am a strong person and I have made it through a ton of challenges just like the rest of you! I am not crazy, insane, or whatever else I am being called. I am amazingly strong, loving, forgiving, and hopeful and even when all that happened to me in one year I can still smile, and laugh, and find things to be grateful for and thrive! The reason for my blog was to help people be uplifted and to thrive with their challenages. Unfortunately, instead of my blog helping people for the better it has been being used for justification of bad behavior. Today I went to my 1 week out from surgery doctors appt. This time I went on the right day and time. All aside from that, the doctor asked me if I was taking my daily meds. I asked him to clarify which med and he said the shot that I give to myself everyday, THE BLOOD THINNER!!!! I told him I had given it to myself everyday until I ran out. He asked me why I had run out there were 12 shots and we were on the 8th day.
Then the realization hit me. I didn't hear the instructions right as I was being taken home and still a drugged on whatever they put me on for the operation!!!! I can not be held accountable for what I heard!! I thought I was supposed to give myself a shot every morning and night! OOOPS!!! I didn't bleed out! I am still alive and next time I have surgery I am going to make sure I have a responsible adult, that isn't deaf and can remember the instructions!!! God was looking out for me! I thinned my blood so much it is a miracle I didn't bleed out and no wonder I had 2 seizures!!! lol To funny!!!! My brother said that recently he went to go visit a friend that has moved into his parent's home to help his parent out and probably help his living situation as well. While my brother was visiting his friend, the friend explained how his family can sometimes make his life a living nightmare and stressing him out. Sometimes the stress is over whelming! His family comes for a visit and tells him how he is doing everything wrong and if he would just help his parent out in a certain way and/or method everything would be going just hunky dang fine! Those family members that give all this fabulous advice do not live with the parent on a day in and day out basis and don't know that the method suggested has long since been tried and failed or only works for a very short time.
This of course took me back to when I was a teenage babysitter and I knew how to parent much better than there parents who are with them all day long! :0 How when you are single and yet know better than all married people on how to handle things in the home! Or just plain being a teenager and know everything better than any adult you happen to come in contact with . My brother said he was going to work on not telling his friend what to do and rather be a sounding board to his friend helping him that way. I can be a sounding board and a good one I just have to learn how to not take that problem home with me to join all the other problems of my world! Here is how ridiculous anxiety can be ... I can have anxiety about anxiety! I am having to learn that it is okay to have anxiety everyone has it! I have to say to myself.... Self if this were one of your friends and they were having a little anxiety about having surgery would you think it was okay... I would have to say yea self it is okay! (great news it is okay if I have anxiety!!!) Now here is my next dilemma.... self it is okay to have anxiety, just don't get too much anxiety!!!! I have to them master the am I having too much anxiety! (I have to report that I am still failing in this area! I have my 5 point examples like a hurricane just hit that is probably a five the highest setting and what does that look like! all my behavior skills I taught my students. My students actually had great results from my helping them with behavior issues. I think it is physician heal thyself! A doctor cannot be objective and heal themselves just as a teacher of behavior I fail with myself! Yet it is not failure yet!!! I am still learning!! It is okay for me to have stress tonight and can't control the amount of anxiety I have so it is okay to take an episode pill!!!! Slowly she turns step by step!!! lol That one is for you momma if you read it! not last night but the night before 34 robbers came knocking on the door! (the things we get in our heads when we are little and they never go away! every time the light is in your eyes do you start singing blinded by the light.... HAHAHAHAHA Monday night was super hard because of the pain. I knew that if I could just get through the night my doctor would have the miracle pill on Tuesday to make the pain go away! I was hanging onto this belief to get me through the night.
Tuesday arrived and I was packing with the help of my mother(I was going to be staying at my cousin's house) and getting ready for my doctor's appt. Aunt Mary was going to be driving me to my doctors appt and then to my cousin's house. Mary had to run errand's with Uncle Ross and was running a little late. When she arrived and discovered the appt wasn't at the time she had thought it was and that she only had 15 minutes before the appointment, she turned into Mario Andretti! I was in the back seat and had the navigation on my phone and was trying to tell Mary the directions. Mary didn't have her hearing aids in and mom that can hear slightly better then Mary thought she could be the go between on directions. HAHAHAHAH!!!! I tried to tel Mary that she didn't need to drive so fast that I had to wait for the doctor before and it was his turn to wait for me. I think she didin't hear me saying that at all. I am sure you can imagine how it went, I would tell mom the directions she would get about half of the instructions and would relay her version of the directions that was by no means correct. When I said no that wasn't the directions she didn't hear me. I was writhing in agony with 6 lines of sutures across my belly and some on my arms. Hitting the gas just to slam on the brakes put on so much pressure on my suture lines that if I thought the agony was bad Monday night that was nothing after this roller coaster ride. I tried giving my phone with the navigation on it for mom to see and of course she touched the screen and had a different screen com up. I got the phone back to navagation and handed it up agagin to have complete failure. I again said we did n't to hurry at all, however, no one seemed to understand anything I was saying. In my last ditch effort to help get some relief for my pain I held up 2 fingers and loudly said 2 streets away, not driveways... I never should of now driveways as that was the only part heard. Mary raced to the parking lot entrances whipping me around and asking for the addresses. Again I tried 2 more streets. We did finally get to the doctors office. I slowly walked into the doctors office. I was holding my stomach and trying not to cry when the nurse informed me the doctor's appt was Thursday, not Tuesday!!!! ... I think I will just wait in the waiting room until thursday thanks@ no more Mr. Andretti!!!! I made it through the night! Night and pain are never a good combination! In the bright light of day, pain is much easier to manage! Thank you to my friends and family for the prayers and those that could bare to stay up late to help take my mind off some of the pain! I even had one of my friends provide me with a real life mystery. I received text messages from her out of the blue and it was like she was contacting me in code or that someone else was using her phone to contact me in code! lol I think I have the mystery solved, however, I might need more mystery messages to help me through the tonight!
I go to see my surgeon today and can't wait to hear what he has to say! I am pretty sure I am going to win a prize from my doctor for the most tumors or for being the best patient ever or maybe BOTH!! Lol I am moving like I am 101 today so I better start getting ready for my doctor's appointment at 2:30. I only have 4 hours left to get ready!!! Normally I have a very high pain tolerance. I think that is a good thing, especially since I am a Klutz! With this surgery I thought it would be the same as always. I have the surgery and then a complication and I handle the pain pretty well throughout the whole thing. I am here in California and I had the surgery, and the complication and then day six hit.... I think there has been a mistake! Something has gone very wrong! The pain hasn't stayed in the tolerable stage! It has hit I hope a peak! I have compression bandages and icepacks and muscle relaxers and a pain pill. Holy Hannah!!!! Someone needs to explain to my body how it is to go! I think it has forgotten!!!!
I just got off the phone with one of my awesome friends. We met when I was teaching my first year as a special ed. teacher and it was her first year as the school psychologist. We were at a unique elementary school in a new neighborhood that was building houses as fast as possible and filling the houses up with elementary school children. We ended up having 1800 kids going to that elementary. It was a school under amazing stress as we tried to find places to put all these kids! A special kind of bonding happened there!
My friend had recently gotten rid of her old FB and had a new one that she said she had sent a friend request to me. I went into my FB page and did not see any friend request. I was looking under different tabs to find the friend request. I couldn't find it anywhere! I even switched off of my phone FB and onto my computer trying to find her friend request! When I change to my computer you better know I am taking this seriously! After trying to find her friend request for a little bit, I decided it was time to just look for her profile. While I was looking for her profile she informed me that she found me on FB messenger and she could send me a message. I looked on messenger and sure enough there was a messenger request. I accepted the request and we were now FB messenger friends! Success! I tried to find her in my friends on FB and request was not there! I started looking for her profile again and found it! Now we had success!!! I pushed on the add friend button and FB wouldn't allow me to ask to be her friend! We were determined to become friends and went into the abyss of security and privacy part of FB!!! The answer was discovered both of us had it so that no one could request to be our friend!!!!! My friend changed her privacy to everyone! I quickly put in my friend request, she confirmed!!! We quickly went right back to the settings and made sure no one could ask to be our friend again!!!! Hmmmm, Maybe it is time for us to get our Aluminum hats on!!!! LOL I was going to keep being the biggest klutz on the face of the Earth to myself... That feels like sorta cheating to me. Here it goes... Yesterday as I was anticipating my cousin's coming over I somehow tripped over my own 2 feet and as I was going down I of course put my hands out to stop my fall. My hands connected with the dresser and for a moment felt like I was going to be in the clear! Ooops my hands were on either side of the corner of the dresser and my face hit the corner of the dresser!!!! Yep! all the way down!!! My chin and lip started swelling! I was worried about how visible my klutzyness was going to be! Thank goodness the swelling started going back down again!! it ended up just being a little swelling on my chin!!! :)
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I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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