Tonight ended up being an anxiety night for me. Sometimes they just randomly hit and other times like tonight I know the cause. So here is how this spiral started. My mom was not doing well today and I am worried about her. I started worrying if she had enough oxygen and then quickly went to she probably has another infection (because she is allergic to all antibiotics and so an infection can be deadly for her) I tried to lift her spirits and joke with her while secretly my mind is coming up with she absolutely has an infection and it has most likely gone sepsis and she could die before the day is out. (this was done in the matter of an hour) And that was me trying to rein in the anxiety! :LOL
I was trying to keep myself calm by putting on music and calming oils. I was praying that I would be calm. I played with my grand daughters to keep my mind busy. It was starting to work! I was starting to calm down when Kenzie just wanted to sleep and be held because her head hurt. Kenzie did go to sleep, When she woke up her head ache was worse and her throat was sore. Now here is when I start escalating again (of course this is all taking place in my head and I am acting upbeat and laughing and joking with mom and the girls) No one would know that i am inside my head and starting to spiral out of control. I am sure that whatever Kenzie is sick with is going to kill my mom off if she isn't already dead! I am good at this! I have had a lot of years to practice. I start using my anti anxiety tools and I think I am getting all calmed down, NOPE!!!! I have pulled a bait and switch on myself. I have taken my mind off of my grand daughter and mother's illnesses and have switched to worrying about my son that is deployed currently. I have decided that it has been entirely too long since I have heard from him and so he is probably encountering issues and is most likely not safe! I look to see how long it has been since I last spoke to him and it has only been 4 days. Once again I start calming myself down. Then another monkey wrench is thrown in. When the twins 3 older sisters come over with my daughter I notice that Bailey is subdued (and if you knew Bailey you would know that this just does not happen) I give her a hug and we talk for a little bit. This whole time I have been talking to grandkids, friends, mom, my sister, etc. The only person aware of any of my anxiety is my sister. Okay here is the reason why it is almost 2 am and I can't sleep. After everyone goes home there is no one to help keep me busy. The house gets really quiet. My mind can go a hundred miles per hour. So I am reminding myself that mom is doing better tonight, I talked to my son that is deployed and all is well with him. I gave my daughter the heads up on Bailey so she can handle the problem there. I have let go of another secret by putting in my blog how my mind works. When the secret is out it loses power over me. I haven't had a panic attack and I didn't cut. I am just getting the last of my anxiety under control. Today turned out to be a good day. I am ready to go to sleep now. My favorite saying.... Tomorrow is another day :)
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I have had health problems and anxiety most of my life. I have always felt that having these problems for so long was a positive, because this was my normal, I didn't know any differently. I have always had to fight my way through pain to go and play with friends. I have a high tolerance for pain and I am a strong person because of this.
I all of a sudden starting gaining weight and having problems with my heart and breathing. The weight seemed to be going to places that aren't the normal areas. I had always had a problem with swelling. It started in my hands and then progressed to my legs and then all over. With all of this going on it got harder and harder for me to fight through everything. The doctors did a lot of tests and didn't find answers for me. They started treating the symptoms and then I had medicines to deal with the side effects of the first meds. I was frustrated and felt like maybe everything was in my head. I felt as though western medicine had failed me. I started going to alternative medicine. I was using oils, homeopathic, massage therapy, psychologist, and finally bio energy nurses and science researchers. I found what I call my voodoo doctor. I finally started getting answers from my voodoo doctor. I am finding that the combination of all of these sources is what is healing me. That and finally getting the diagnosis of Adiposa Dolorosa https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/5750/adiposis-dolorosa. What a relief to know what I was dealing with. Then as a tried to find a doctor that would take care of the existing tumors I met with frustration again. I am in what they call the last stages of the disease and beyond what they felt they could handle. Then a miracle happened through prayer and the holy spirit! My cousin in California suggested a doctor where she lives and he said he would take the tumors out!!! My voodoo doctor is treating me so that no more tumors will grow! My prayers were answered. My legs with especially my left leg are soon going to be tumor free!!! I also started having dizzy spells and even passed out with some of the spells. Any heat at all put me into a dizzy spell This was felt to be related to my heart. I am now going to the Heart clinic (I refuse to call it the heart failure and transplant clinic) and they are helping me. They spent 3 hours at one appointment listening to me and going clear back to the beginning of the symptoms. The doctors of the heart clinic along with the voodoo doctor are healing my heart. The Great Physician, my Savior Jesus Christ, has guided me to the right sources to heal me. I have had so many people praying for me and have been supportive. I am going to California soon to start the process of removing the tumors. My voodoo doctor tells me that my cells are rejuvenating and correcting other issues in my body. This has been a hard journey with my husband leaving me at the time that I was the most sick. That caused me a great deal of pain. I am learning to thrive through all of this. It has been an amazing journey that has taught me so much! I am now coming to the final stages of this journey. I am stronger for it. I haven't blogged for a couple of days. The twins, McKenzie and Kaylee are visiting me for a couple of days. They turned 5 last week and have informed me that they are getting very big. They have been on their best behavior while they have been here and a lot of fun. They have a million questions and they believe all my answers! Lol
They have decided that they need to see the movie Frozen once a day! I have 8 grand daughters so I have seen this movie so many times I think I could start saying the lines and acting it out just like the twins! :) They bring me a lot of joy! Grandkids are also the best ego booster ever! When they see me they yell grandma, grandma and run to greet me with a hug! Speaking of getting a ego boost... When my kids were growing up I told them that I never did anything wrong and was perfect in every way. My first 6 kids never bought into my protestations that I never did anything wrong! (It was worth the try) My 7th child Mikey, BELIEVED ME!!! When I told him I was perfect he said Oh mommy, I always knew you were. I told the older children that He was my favorite. Lol Now I am accused of Mikey being my favorite. I guess I set myself up for that one! I am truly blessed with kids that have brought me some of the greatest times of my life. I have grandkids that brighten my life. I love being a part of a family. I have been counting my blessings today and I have a lot of them. I have a great family that includes awesome extended family. I have a circle of women that range from their late 80s to late 40s that meet together every Monday at 5 for family night. We have a devotional and some treats and support each other. I have amazing friends that are always there for me when I need them. My mom and I every night have a short devotional and have family prayer together. I am truly blessed. I pray and hope that I am even half of the support for them that they are for me. I looked up the definition of anxiety on google, and this is what google came up with.
Anxiety is a general term for several disorders that cause nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worrying. These disorders affect how we feel and behave and can cause physical symptoms. When I read this I thought yes, that's it. I have had all of the above. I was at a friends birthday party today and about a third of the people there dealt with anxiety, As the conversation became more intense and open we discovered that we had similar symptoms and some symptoms were unique. We talked about the things we do to help us deal with the anxiety and once again we had similar and unique. Ask we spoke it was quickly noted that sometimes the anxiety hits us and we feel like there is no reason that we can think of that has triggered the anxiety. I think people for get that everything doesn't originate in our brain. Our bodies have memories that aren't conscious thought. Our bodies can remember a time of anxiety through smell, or location, or a certain time of the day or night. It can even be a phrase that is said that our unconscious mind remembers. That is one of the reasons why anxiety is so hard to deal with. I have had anxiety over having anxiety. I had a surgery coming up in the near future and I was having anxiety about it. I then started escalating out of control because I had anxiety. Those of us that suffer from anxiety is it as a bad thing because we tend to spiral out of control. Anxiety is not all bad. Having anxiety before surgery is a normal reaction and I shouldn't have anxiety over having anxiety; It is not as easy to do as you would think it was. Talking about our anxiety and how we suffer with it and what works for us. We are all individuals and we all have a different twist to how and what works. When I didn't have my anxiety under as much control as I do now If there was a noise or if my dog knocked into my bed I would wake up screaming! One night I was especially anxious and when I was startled by the dog I woke up screaming and didn't stop right away. My 15 and 9 year old sons came running into my bedroom ready to fight the intruder that I must be screaming about. My 9 year old had a bat and the 15 year old had a bowling ball pin. Those bowling pins are pretty heavy and can do a lot more damage than you think!!! There was always entertainment at my house. Nights are worse for me when suffering with anxiety and doing physical things that have a product at the end are good to do even in the middle of the night. I often did what I called cleaning therapy. I would get up and clean the kitchen and vacuum. There became a rule at my house. my daughter had to be home for her curfew and I wouldn't vacuum after curfew!!!! Whatever works Right??? :) LOL The other day when I wrote about how I keep from cutting myself I didn't put in all the stressors that were affecting me. I didn't want to put anymore stress on my daughter. My daughter is a single mom of 5 and she is living in my home. She no longer had a full time job. There were a few direct affects to me as she wasn't able to pay utilities etc., however, mostly it was indirectly affecting me. I learning to stop taking other peoples problems on as my own.
I know that all parents take on their kids trials as there own to some degree. It is hard to cut the apron strings. I have so much anxiety sometimes and can't deal with my own feelings and get myself into a bad place. When I am in a bad place and can't deal with my feelings, I take on other people's problems and make them my own. I made my daughter's problems my own that night. I was on the internet for a while looking up jobs for her to apply for and adding on more stress when I was already to the overload point! (I am my own worse enemy :) I think we all are to some degree. This is where writing in my journal and/or blog helps me to realize when I am taking on other peoples problems. When I am writing about my problems I ask myself what I can do to help resolve or get the problem in a more manageable place. I have to be careful when I am doing this as I can escalate myself really quickly if I feel out of control. The first question I have to ask myself is if this is my problem or someone elses. The next question is are there any direct affects to me. If the problems aren't mine and do not directly affect me than I have to visualize giving the problem back to them. I have put the problem into a balloon and let it float away into the sky. I had a friend tell me that they put their problems into a box and tape it shut and threw it away. I have prayed and given the problem to Jesus. Find a way that works for you. Just because I have let go of the problem does not mean in any form that I don't have empathy for my daughter. There was nothing wrong with my looking for jobs for her either. I can be there for my daughter as a sounding board, as emotionally support, or even helping her find a job. I actually do that very well when I don't let the panic take over. I am a typical person with anxiety and I envision every possibility that can happen out to the very rare and probably has never happened. I take it out to the odds of the thought of what could possibly happen to the 0.0000001%!!!!! I have it down to an art form!!! lol When I get into one of those spirals of destruction if I can I have to ask myself if I even know anyone that had that overwhelming outcome. This is of course where the mindfulness comes in; I have to be aware of my feelings to stop it before it gets out of control and I am looking at a cut on my arm or leg or wherever else. If you haven't found out about mindfulness and you have anxiety you really should learn how to do it. My doctor asked me to go and see a heart specialist so we can understand why my heart is having issues and to see if it can be mended. He said he was putting in a recommendation for me to be seen and the clinic would be calling me. A few days later I received a call from the Heart Failure and Transplant Clinic... That gave me a real good feeling. Not!!!!
I told my doctor that I was not going to that clinic until they changed their name to the Heart Wellness Clinic! Take a page from the education system!!! Get that objective up on the bulletin board!!! I suggested to the doctor at the clinic today that they should change their name. I think I was vetoed. LOL One of the first things the nurse practitioner handed me was an Advaced Directive! Lol I explained to her that my doctor had sent me to fix my heart and that she must have me confused with someone else! 😁 I was in room 16 and room 14 was next to the room I was in. Suddenly over the intercom came a code emergency stroke in room 14! I needed to get out of that place!!!! It might be catching!!! Lol This is my time to heal and thrive!!! I am healing and thriving! Tender Mercies are being granted to me on almost a daily basis! I am looking forward to the outcome of Today, well actually the past few days have been sad for me. There was an anniversary of the death of a loved one and a loss of another tonight. Now when I feel so sad I could easily start cutting. I have been told that cutting is a release and being in control of something when I feel that I have no control. It is also an anniversary for my mother, it is her wedding anniversary., she misses my dad very much.
I have learned the mindfulness methods as many people that deal with mental illness like me. I can't meditate in the traditional way. Because I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ, I put on Christian music and I lose myself in the music for as long as I can. My brother doesn't have my same belief as I do and he meditates. We both believe there is life after death and that belief gives us something to hang onto. Whatever your beliefs let them help you through the rough times. I keep my hands busy when I want to cut with crocheting, drawing, painting anything that has a product that doesn't take too long. If you don't have something that you like to do that keeps your hands busy it would be good to find something there are a lot of things you can do that don't involve sharp objects. I have learned that it is okay to cry. I was always afraid if I started crying I would never stop. I also believed that crying was showing that I was weak. It isn't a sign of weakness. It is a release and you can stop crying after you start. Getting a blog or a journal or both helps to release some of the pain as well. It keeps you focused on your feelings without hurting yourself. I journal and now blog. I write the good and the bad and what I have overcome with only rare lapses. No one is perfect so don't worry if you lapse! Remember my favorite saying,,, Tomorrow is another day. Everyday is the next beginning. It is okay to use humor to help you get through these times. These are the things that work for me. Take what you can from me and add to it. Find your way to keep from cutting and getting into an overwhelming depression. I have always had a very good sense of humor and can take the hardships of life and make all sound absolutely hilarious. It is a talent that runs in my family. Because of my good sense of humor I did not believe that I suffered from depression, in fact I thought I was a very upbeat person. I was wrong. I had an awakening that a good sense of humor does not mean happy and upbeat. As I was discovering this about myself there were some very real examples happening in the news, such as Robin Williams killing himself. (I should have had a clue a lot sooner, My journal entitled another dark day in this dark year in this dark life didn't sound at all depressing!!! I will have to say I was a little slow on the uptake!!!)
I didn't have a problem identifying my anxiety, panic attacks are pretty hard to hide! Most people don't go running from there home and jump into the their car to get away from something... whatever that something was. My first husband I am sure thought he was helping as he ran after me saying if you would just calm down. He probably would have been okay if he hadn't gone out in front of the car telling me to just calm down. LOL A tip for those that live with people that suffer from panic attacks; It is never wise to stand in front of a car with a person in an panic attack behind the wheel!!! :) Fortunately my ex could move a little faster back then. Because of his quickness I am sure I escaped a manslaughter charge!!! I did notice that he had a little bit of a limp after having to move so fast. I hit the gas pedal in my panic to get away. (I don't think I ever figured out what all I was trying to get away from) I and thankful that if the Lord was going to allow me to learn from panic attacks and depression that he made sure that I did have a family that knew how to laugh and have a good time. It helped balance me out. This is my time to heal and thrive and so I need to acknowledge all of the things that I deal with on a daily basis and what I have learned on this journey... How I am thriving with anxiety, depression, ADHD and cutting,.. and Adiposis dolorosa. https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/5750/adiposis-dolorosa.
In the past as my anxiety has overwhelmed me I have stuffed the feelings down because it was too much to handle. Unfortunately, when I stuffed down the feelings the memories good and bad were stuffed down as well. I didn't think I would be able to bring back my good memories and then my 2nd husband took me on a trip to the bay area where I used to live. While there he took me to my old homes and tours of the area. I all of a sudden had memories coming back that I had lost for so many years. Those memories filled me with joy. It is important to me to bring back memories as I am healing and thriving. Writing this all out is so cathartic for me! Like everyone I have had people come into and out of my life that have taught me so much. Some have taught me to love, serve, and forgive, along with heartache pain and some have taken me to some dark times that I learned from and don't want to repeat. I have been blessed and have had many absolutely amazing role models. I was thinking of some of those wonderful people today.
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I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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