Mom's helpers are coming to the rescue again! They have a vascular disease specialist that is coming to assess mom and see what he can do for her!!! Mom has managed not to leave any appendages behind her!!! Lol One order she is following!!! (Yeah Mom!!!) I think I might be coming to the end of this stomach flu or at least the meds are working a little better so I think I am coming to the end! I will let you know if we survive until tomorrow with no appendages falling off and the flu actual gone!
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Today mom was supposed to be operated on... you will notice I said supposed to... Everything is still sinking in and I don't believe we are comprehending everything so probably now isn't a good time to ask questions. Getting old is truly for the strong and my mom is strong!!! Although we did get good news... No one is heading for the other side today!!!
Yesterday was actually kind of funny. My mom's doctor is quite young and as we learned yesterday has no filters. When she was explaining to mom how she needed surgery immediately mom asked what will happen if I don't have surgery she told my mom that her food could die and just fall off!!! So when I was helping mom from the car into the house I told her to hurry and get down to her room and get her legs up and no leaving appendages behind her! That got a good laugh!!! In fact I am still smiling about that one. I know that my mother is no different from my friends' parents as we have discussed them occasionally. My mother sometimes thinks she is a medical doctor that knows more than her doctors do. Because she believes this she has tried to cut back on meds (unsuccessfully) and has never been good at taking it easy. Today when she got home from non surgery she decided that she could be on her feet shredding beef and then sitting in a chair visiting with company!!! (the 2 things the doctor has told her not to do!!!) I ended up getting stomach flu and took a 3 hour nap from sheer exhaustion. I went to go check on her take one look at her BLACK foot and told her to get in bed and get her feet up!!! She then tells me it isn't black it is purple!!! My reply is okay it is purple black!!! Oh my freaking hell!!! What am I going to do with this woman!!! I am sure I wasn't the most pleasant person to be with today with my being sick and a little out of sorts already, however, mom was not obeying doctor's orders!!! I hear this flu only lasts a day or 2 and I am hoping that is truly the case! I of course after taking a 3 hour nap today am now awake listening to mom snore! Since she is asleep she can't be going against doctor's orders!!! That should give me a little peace of mind. Thank goodness Tomorrow is another day!!! I need a reset button!!! WAIT!!! I don't really mean that, I don't want to live the movie Ground Hog's Day!!! As you know I have been on a healing and thriving journey and I have had to go to California to get these painful tumors removed. I have been continuing my research on the disease and the procedures to get them out, because I am the research queen! I was looking forward to going to wonderful warm weather in California but was worried about being gone for a long time from home. Then as I was doing my research I discovered there was a new doctor in Utah that might be able to deal with my tumors. I made an appointment and sure enough she can do it!!!! She said that I might have to have more than one procedure to get rid of the tumors in my legs as they are large and very dense... I can handle that!!! She uses a less aggressive way of getting rid of the tumors than the doctor in California, however, because of this she doesn't have to put me all the way out!!! Woo Hoo!!! I don't bounce back from anesthesia!!!! I really don't bounce back!!! (I don't know why she is being a party pooper by not letting me watch!!!)
As mom and I are figuring out who, where and level of care I need after my procedure and getting mom to her doctor appointments etc is causing us quite a little bit of anxiety. Neither one of us has slept well the past 2 nights. Although, brilliant ideas and a lot of text messaging happens between us! Lol Who would have thought that mom and I would be text messaging each other in the middle of the night!!! So glad mom has some tech savy!!! Way to go Mom an awesome 84 almost 85 tech savy woman!!!! Today was cooking day at the Quaney home! Jen, Mom and I (Mom was the supervisor!) were cooking up a storm! We made 2 pans of lasagna, chicken enchiladas, and beef enchiladas and put them into individual and dinner size containers to freeze! We added some veggies on the side! Jen and Dave had lunches to take to work and mom and I have food for when we don't feel like cooking! While we are making yummy food at first we were singing songs from our childhood! The ones that mom had changed the words to! LOL When I started singing church songs when I was a little girl and only remembering a few of the words mom suggested I get the boom box! Hahaha that takes us back!!!
The radio was set to an oldies station. When I tried to change the station I discovered that the only station we could get was that station. Jen started laughing about one of the songs that was playing that came from a movie. The guy in the movie had made a mix tape for his girlfriend when she was feeling blue!!! In the context of the movie the song was hilarious!!! Then the song radioactive came on and took me to a visit to California with Mikey and Jake in a Dodge Charger! That was a fun trip! If we had been making orange chicken I would have thought for sure I was back on that trip!!! This was a fun day that was had by all!!! Mom's oxygen concentrator was no longer working! It was doing a funny beeping sound that mom heard and thought it was the battery dying in the smoke detector! Of course it didn't ever beep when I was around it! The nurse was over today and checking mom out when the concentrator started beeping and realized what it was!!! Yeah!!! Then mom felt as though we didn't have enough drama so she decided to dump her portable concentrator off the walker to hit her in the leg! (She didn't think Jen and I laughing was very funny! That is until she joined us in the laughter!) My friend, Mary, called me to let me know about her latest exciting time... She was driving home with a friend and hit some black ice... She was able to keep her car mostly under control until the idiot next to her decided that he liked the sliding she was doing and joined in!!! He hit her car. He very nicely kept her playing along with all the cars sliding around her! He knocked her into the other cars and she was able to play bumper cars with 5 other cars!!! Then because she and I enjoy anxiety so much she decided to go into a full on panic attack so I would have something to laugh about when she told me!!! They made her get into the back of the ambulance. (They weren't very good EMTs if they didn't know she was having a panic attack!!! LOL) When they realized what was happening they were no use at all!!! Not one of them had xanax to give her!!! She went right out and bought the newer version of the car she already had... Hmmm, We even have the same car purchasing habits!!! It is definitely T-Shirt therapy time!!! Mom picked out her T-shirt... And I picked out Mary's... Now I just need to put one up for me! There is an inside joke with the T-Shirt I picked for me and it might just be an inside joke with myself!!! LOL My blog is one of my tools to help get my anxiety and depression managed and I haven't been using it in the way I need to. As you all know that the past 3 years my anxiety that leads into depression I have been having difficulty managing. The past 2 to 3 weeks I have been having problems managing the depression side of my Anxiety. I have had cousin's that also deal with anxiety all of a sudden reach out to me asking to come over or just being there. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit for prompting them to reach out! There reaching out to me prompted me to pay attention to the negative voice in my head and to turn it around. I have been listening to the music that helps me, however, I wasn't using all of my tools. I have notes of affirmation that people have sent to me that I am not using. I slacked off a little on the blogging and journaling until Sunday when my cousin unknowingly did an intervention. I have been letting myself go into depressed mode. If I were talking to one of my friends and they told me that they had let themselves go into a depression because I wasn't using all my tools I would not be a negative voice to her, I would build her up. Today I am telling myself that Anxiety and depression is something that I deal with I am imperfect and I am okay!!! I am implementing my tools that I have and helping myself! I am imperfect and I am enough!!! I put myself into situations lately thinking that they would help my self-esteem and it brought my anxiety to a higher level. It was a good idea I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was to date even casually and other activities! Lol I have been ghosting the men that I met and other people in my life recently. (That is a sign to look for if you have people in your life that have anxiety btw) There are a lot of things in my life that are stressful.... That is how it is in everyone! The fact that this was a short little lapse of 2 to 3 weeks isn't so bad! I am implementing more of my tools and managing better! I am imperfect and I am enough!!! (Thank you Jackie Rock! You were just the right therapist for me!!! Whenever I want to see how far I have come I remember when you first introduced me to being imperfect and being enough I started to have a panic attack!!! LOL That let you know really fast where you needed to start with me!!!) Time for some T-Shirt therapy!!! These T-Shirts fit so well for me lately!!!! LOL These made me laugh!!! Today ended up being a little lazier than I actually planned on. I told mom that the kitchen was all cleaned up and ready for her physical therapy session. At the end of her therapy session I walked into the kitchen and looked at the disarray!!! I could of sworn that I had the kitchen all cleaned up and ready!!! Lol I must have cleaned it all up in my mind!!! Oh my gosh!!! The recycle cardboard (empty diet coke 12 packs) was still on the counter! The last couple of items of grocery were still on the floor!!! The stove hadn't been wiped off!!! I did all that cleaning in my mind!!! (Okay Sheldon I apparently do have a healthy imagination!!! Not just flair! Imagination is a sign of intelligence so I can own up to it!!! LOl) Sorry mom! I am glad you were able to still do your physical therapy!!! Next time I clean up the kitchen it won't just be in my mind!!!
Today mom discovered that she had a vascular disease and was upset that no one had bothered to tell her before because her leg has had very visual signs of the disease!!! She was very perplexed over this. I finally said to her, well mom the doctors probably didn't mention it because what is the purpose of it... It is sort of your heart is killing you, your lungs are killing so why make it seem worse that your vascular disease is killing you... It is kind of what will kill you first! And maybe none of those things will kill you! Mom said, well I guess I could be hit by a car again and this time die! For some reason we found this to be very funny!
Mom kept looking at google to see all the ways she could die (apparently my mom and I can find something to laugh at!!!) And I decided to get in the tub to try and relax with some essential oils and a muscle relaxant!!! When I got out of the tub mom asked me to go put clothes so I can help her make her bed... I told her clothes were optional for making beds!!! That got us to giggle just a wee bit!!! Laughter is the best medicine!!! There is always a good laugh at our house! Today I was in Utah County having a little fun when I was told it was snowing sideways and if I wanted to get home I better go! As you all know I absolutely hate driving in the snow! The snow was coming sideways and there were no street lights and construction on the road!!! My knuckles were white as I clung to the steering wheel!!! I finally made it to a part of the road that had lights so I relaxed a little and started driving my usual way home!!! Oh my gosh!!! Sometimes there is no brain in my head! Taking the back roads along the mountain side it really not smart in a snow storm!!! The car in front of me started sliding and for a wee moment I started to panic... And then I remembered my car went into standard mode!!! My car saved the day!!! Four wheel drive and standard transmission option!!! I only slid a couple of times and immediately was out of the slide!!! I love my little Red Toyota Rav4!!! It is the best car ever! It is the right color and has all the amazing safety features!!! I will never regret buying that car!!! And as you can tell I am home safe and sound!
Mom has been in a lot of pain. There isn't anything I can do to take it away so of course that upsets me. I had to use a make shift wheelchair to get her into her bedroom with her legs up! Of course when she is in that much pain movement makes it even more painful!!! I don't want to cause her more pain, but of course I did!!! One of her little helpers came today and was able to help her with the pain!!! Thank goodness!!!
Along with mom having so much pain, I had the brilliant idea of bringing down my dosage of my migraine medicine because it made me feel like I was in a fog!!! My doctor warned me not to taper off to fast or I will cause myself to have headache storms! I though I was tapering off slowly... My storm of headaches contradict my idea of slow!! Lol I guess I am not that patient of a person!!! I was on 50 mg and after one week I was on 40 mg and the second week went to 30 mg!!! Oops!!! I went back up to 40 mg... sigh.... It didn't work!!! I am now back up to 50 mg. I still hate the brain fog that I feel accompanies the higher dosage, soooo.... Since my idea of changing my dosage of meds seems to work so well I decided to change my dosage on one of my other meds!!! (And of all meds one of my anxiety meds!!! HAHAHA!!! Idiot be my name!!!) LOL As you can expect that didn't turn out quite like I planned!!! Then a HORRIFYING ah ha moment hit!!!! I have turned into my mother!!! I have always gotten mad at her for messing around with her meds!!! Her doctor has asked her when she got when medical degree!!! I am no longer going to be like my mother and I am back on all meds per doctor's orders. It is going to take a while to get everything back to the results that I need!!! Lol and will taper off exactly how the doctor orders!!!! |
I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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