I was listening to a single mom that was worrying about not spending enough time with her children because she was working 2 jobs and it brought back a lot of memories. When I was a single mom I was going to school full time and working at first one job, however, one job didn't pay the bills. I then was going to school full time, working a full and a part time job trying to make ends meet. Not only that, but my mom was helping all she could as well. She was free babysitting, bought groceries and paid for things!!! I had a family that stepped up to help. It was a really scary time and yet it was a fun time.
A lot of times our family night was at the dollar movie. We went to the movie on Wednesday because it was only 50 cents! (an answer to a single mom's prayer!!!) We would go to the dollar store and get a 2 or 3 drinks and a couple bags of candy or we would take popcorn that we made at home in my really big purse. I remember the fun of trying to get everything to fit in my purse and the kids excitement for the movie! Anytime I received a bonus from my part time job we would go to the batting cages of miniature golf! (I personally loved the batting cages... I could get a lot of my frustrations out!) My youngest son was very adept at sports and would beat us at miniature golf, or any other game we ended up playing! We would get pretty silly with the type of golfing shots we use to take. Sometimes people behind us would get annoyed with us so we would let them play through!!! I loved reading to my kids and playing with them. I read the Harry Potter books to them. I remember when they were staying with their dad for 2 weeks and the next Harry Potter book was coming out, the kids begged me not to read it until they got back. (I did not make that promise!!! Lol They were not happy!!!) They liked it better when I read it for the first time with them because they could get me to read past bedtime sometimes because I wanted to know what was going to happen in the next chapter as much as they did. I also was gone from home quite a bit because of all the extra jobs. There was more than one time that I worked a part time job to supplement. When the crash of the economy happened that about did me in. I was able to keep finding part time jobs! (Thank you Jesus!!!) I know that there were things happening that I didn't know about. Some of those things I am sure I still don't know about! There is one time when my youngest was in sixth grade that I got a call from Sandy Police asking me if I knew where my son was. My answer was apparently I don't. The police officer thought that was very funny. One of the best answers he had received! Lol I thought my son was in the basement watching a movie with his friend.... The police officer informed me that he had crawled out the window to meet a couple of girls!!!! (Yes in 6th grade!!! Sigh... ) Mikey informed me that Megan use to sneak out of the window and she never got caught and the first time he did it he got caught! Lol (I am so glad he got caught!!!) I wish I had the tools that I have now for dealing with my anxiety back then... There would have been even more fun times than we did. I did the best I could with the circumstance and tools I had then. I am Ally and I am imperfect and it is okay!!!! :)
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I have heard the word inappropriate from teachers, students, grand children, etc... When my 5 year old grand daughter said to her sister that is inappropriate, I asked her if she knew what it meant. My grand daughter at first said no and then changed her answer to being bad, really bad. Then she informed me that her sister was inappropriate a lot, cause she is bad. Lol I am sure I thought my siblings were inappropriate as well!!! :)
I let my grand daughters know that inappropriate sometimes means naughty (I like this word instead of bad!) and sometimes doesn't. I used the teaching method of example, example, example - non example - example, example (I taught special ed. so I had to use a lot of examples!!! They had a hard time with abstract ideas!!!) I think we will have to have quite a few lessons on what appropriate means. (Sometimes I think I miss teaching and then I remember the nightmare of all the ridiculousness of politics and lack of support and could leap for joy that I am not still in that mess anymore!!!) I don't have to miss teaching because I am teaching and learning everyday of my life... and sometimes I remember to use my teaching tools!!! There were things that I loved about teaching in the schools... There were reasons why I loved living in Park Valley... I had very good friends in Park Valley and at first thought I needed to stay there... There are many examples in my life of loving and not always recognizing when a change or lesson needs to happen... Then I realized that the best thing for my family wasn't always what I thought it should be... needs and life lessons change... We need to trust the Lord to get us through... My optimal temperature is 50s to 70s... 13 just does not fall in that range!!! It isn't even close! Truly falling within the, I think I need to move range!!! I need to at least go on a vacation in an warmer clime!!! I think I am going to actually be looking forward to my next surgery because it is happening in Sacramento, a much warmer place!!! LOL In fact I dislike the cold so much that I am out of diet coke since last night and haven't even gone to get some yet!!!! This Christmas was a good one even with all the cold! I have been able to spend time with family and friends!!! I have been able to see miracles in the paths of some of my family members! We have truly been blessed this Christmas!!! Now I just have to take down all the Christmas decorations I put up... I don't know why it takes three times longer to take it down and isn't nearly as fun as putting it up! I think I have put off going into the great out doors long enough... I am going to brave the cold... I just don't see a way out of it! Sigh... My youngest son is home from college for a little bit before he goes to Arizona to go to team ropings. He is the header. We had 4 of his nieces, my grand daughters, along with my sister and mom all hanging out. My sister started the traditional puzzle for Christmas Break with mom trying to be helpful. We had some rousing games of dominos and Uno!!! I learned that when playing dominos, whoever gets the doubles and remembers to start the Mexican train first wins!!! (That wasn't me!!! :) In fact, I sucked at Dominos!!! (I kept forgetting which line went where!!!) It had been a long time since we played Uno and didn't remember the rules right! When we looked the rules up it sure changed how we played!!! (I didn't do so bad when it came to Uno!)
The girls were very rambunctious running around, tattling on each other and fighting over electronics. They all managed to jump on Uncle Mikey the most and then the rest of us! I think they were brought over on a sugar high!!! Their mom didn't come to get them until almost 11pm and of course by then they were over tired! If they sat to close together or even looked at each other they had their feelings hurt and started to cry!!! We still all had a pretty good time, although I was happy to see their mom when she arrived! Those girls wear grandma out!!! After games and dinner and the girls were watching a movie, I suggested to my son that we could go to a singles dance together!!! Lol My son didn't think that was such a good idea!!! HAHAHA!!! He informed me that first of all he doesn't dance and second of all going with mom is just... NO!!!! (I was wearing my nightgown when I suggested this so he knew I wasn't serious!!!) Going to a singles dance together with my youngest child is just wrong on every level!!!! It was fun to tease!!! I should have written this reminder earlier! This time of year is wonderful and stressful all at the same time. I missed that I was having anxiety along with the joy and fun. Some of my tools:
Music that lifts me up reading the scriptures lower my expectations of myself and others - I am not perfect and I am enough!!!! Have things to do with your hands - draw, crochet, puzzles, anything that distracts you and keeps your hands busy Take a break - if all the fun and partying are increasing your anxiety take a break Be with people that help you feel good Change of subject... I had a wonderful day with friends! We had lunch at a great restaurant the Gourmandise Bakery in down town Salt Lake City. It serves wonderful French food!!! When had a wonderful time catching up and reminiscing!!! We have been friends since 4th grade when I moved into Concord. We always have fun together!!! We have an amazing support group of our childhood friends from Concord! As we chat and support each other I can feel anxiety leaving my body!! SO great to have a support system!! And of course and they all told me how amazing I looked that was definitely an ego booster and of course destressor!!! If you love French food and pastries you definitely need to go to Gourmandise Bakery!!! I believe I have all told that I am not allowed to say anything to my mom about her oxygen. I can't ask her if she has enough no matter how many signs that she has that it is too low. It is one of the agreements that we made. Today as I saw my mom in the kitchen take off her oxygen as my brother and I were leaving, I knew I couldn't say anything. I turned to my brother and said by the time we get back mom is either going to be in real trouble or dead and I am not allowed to say anything about the oxygen. We went straight to get the food from the caterers and went right back.
Mom wasn't I the kitchen when we walked in so I went looking for her. Mom was in her room and her face was chalk white. The first thing mom said to me is that she was in real trouble that her oxygen was at 54!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I had to get her holding still with the oxygen going strong!!!! It took quite a while to get her oxygen up!!! She scares me so much!!! Because I was so worried she was going to die on me I yelled at her. I told her I was very angry with her because I didn't want her to die!!! We had the party and mom held still mostly in the chair. The alarm went off on her oxygen while she was sitting there and she asked me what was happening. I told her that when it does that it means she isn't breathing through her nose and she is getting no oxygen!!!! I think this is almost as hard on me as it is on her. We did have a wonderful party with many of the family there. I was so glad that we had as many people as we did. I wish Aunt Joyce had felt better and had come!!! There is no getting around it my family is loud and we have fun and can be full of pep and vinegar! We lost a couple of presents and had the search go on until we found them!!! Lol Joyce and Jayce easy to mix up!!! The little ones loved chasing Chris around the house!!! What fun they had. We all love each other and want the best for each other and just like all families sometimes we fight and annoy each other!!! I didn't check mom's oxygen after everyone left because I knew if it was low I would be upset! That is Kent's job tonight!!! And a wonderful thank you to Jen, Dave, Kent, Bryan, and Megan for doing most of the clean up!!!! My heart is filled with love and I am determined to keep mom alive!!! I know that the holidays are stressful for people that do not have anxiety problems and are very stressful for people that do have anxiety like me... I have gone to a few years of therapy learning mindfulness and Brene Brown's power in vulnerability and it has all helped me soooo very much!!! (I am going to explain how I got to these therapy styles and the psychologist that helped me through it. First off, I research what kind of therapies were found to be the best for ADHD and anxiety. Then, I looked up therapists that used mindfulness... I didn't know about Brene Brown yet. Then I looked for someone that didn't require their patience to go to group therapy. I was ready to spill my guts and tell everything... That in itself was the scariest thing of all and I didn't want an audience. And of course I was looking at therapists that took my insurance!!! Did I tell you that I am a research queen... Well, I am!!!! This now narrowed my search down to about 12 people. Of course I was praying that my search was guided.... So now the reveal of how I picked the finalist!!! I pulled up the websites of all 12 of them and 5 or 6 of them had pictures! Yep!!! You guessed it!!!! I picked my therapist by narrowing that last few by their picture!!! A picture is worth a thousand words!!! I have sent my therapist a text to see if I can give you her name. I don't usually share full names or names at all if I don't have permission. If I get the okay I will put her name in the blog! For those therapists out there that don't have their pictures on their website... you might like to get one. I am sure I am not so unique that there aren't others that make that final choice by a picture!!! LOL ;p here is a mindfulness website positivepsychologyprogram.com/mindfulness-exercises-techniques-activities/) Yesterday I loved, I was having so much fun with my family and getting everything ready for the Holidays!!! I was aware of my happy and excited feelings, however, I didn't pick up on the anxiety feelings that were rising as well. I have learned through this journey that I am Ally, I am imperfect and I am enough!!! Sometimes I forget that being imperfect is okay and I slide backwards... Sigh... I slid backwards last night... I felt imperfect so when simple everyday comments were made I felt even more imperfect and let my anxiety takeover. Today I am allowing myself to be imperfect and enough!!! When my anxiety took over yesterday it triggered an anxiety storm in my family!!! I bounce back a lot faster than I use to by using my tools. Anxiety that gets to the level I let it get to last night would usually take a few days to recover from. I have recovered in a day. I was able to go to church, spend some time with family and friends from Seattle!!! I am so proud of myself for recovering so quickly this time!!! I loved this cute old ladies happy dance!!! Woo Hoo for happy dances!!! I discovered on my date last night that we had a shared interest in books!!! Woo Hoo! Barnes & Nobles had a one day 50% sale until midnight!!! After the movie we went to the bookstore and were in 7th heaven!!! I went home and took my book to bed with me! (I finally had to put my book down at 3:30 am! DANG!!!) I love reading and learning new things! What a fun night! We saw the new movie Mary Queen of Scots! We loved it! Change... My son Jonathan, his wife Nicole, and my 3 absolutely darling grand children came!!! I got to Love on Riatta, Cinch, and Tagger!!! I love getting to see them. We had presents, food and fun! The kids are looking forward to ice skating or ice f I alling as Nicole put it! :) They are going to the see the lights downtown! Cinch asked me what my favorite part about Christmas was, I told him that Jesus was born and seeing my family! I love seeing my family and the whole feeling of Love that envelopes me!!! Having 7 kids running around when they were little was a lot of work and so worth it now that my family has grown even more with in laws, and grand children! So fantastic! I have all the presents wrapped and some I had to rewrap because I forgot to put the name on and I forgot who it went to!!!! I told myself that I couldn't go out on my date tonight if I didn't have them all wrapped and since they are done I did it in time for my date!!! I am ready to go and still have a few minutes on my hands so I can blog!!! I am having troubles seeing tonight I've got double vision!!! This could make it a very interesting night!!! And now that I have double vision I have to sing the song that is going through my head!!! I am showing my age again!!! Foreigner!!! LOL And I promise not to dance like Elaine on Sienfeld!!! Have A WONDERFUL NIGHT EVERYONE!!! I KNOW I AM GOING TO!!!! I have been recently told by 3 different people that my mother and I share a gift; a gift of humor! We have been told how our gift of humor helps other people. I know that laughter is the best medicine and so I laugh as much as possible. My being able to tell my life experiences with flair is part of our humor. Flair is in the way we tell our story. I think we are able to do this because we were both teachers. Teachers are onstage all day keeping students interested in things that can be very boring or fun depending on how it is presented. I am thankful for this gift. It helps me get through the hardest parts of my life. I was recently laughing with my friend Kari that it has been voiced to me that I am someone that can talk to the youth and help them get through some of the rough times. Of course I had to make this into a funny. I explained to Kari that I can teach them how I use to cut and was really good at hiding it! I can tell them how I wondered off the path to my Savior! I can let them in on my anxiety and panic attacks! I am sure their parents would run to me and thank me enthusiastically!!! I am sure they would ask me to come again and again!!! LOL I could also tell them how I am learning to use tools to keep from cutting, and manage my anxiety, etc. I can tell them how I found my way back to the path to my Savior! Let them know how it is so important to be KIND, and LOVING to people. KINDNESS can change the world! KINDNESS is what the Savior thought us to do! Forgive people and especially yourself as quickly as you can. Learn to laugh with yourself and others! Learn to laugh and find enjoyment in everything that they can! As soon as my family has open their Christmas presents I can't wait to tell you what they are... I hope you will get as big as a laugh at is as I did!!! |
I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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