Tonight ended up being an anxiety night for me. Sometimes they just randomly hit and other times like tonight I know the cause. So here is how this spiral started. My mom was not doing well today and I am worried about her. I started worrying if she had enough oxygen and then quickly went to she probably has another infection (because she is allergic to all antibiotics and so an infection can be deadly for her) I tried to lift her spirits and joke with her while secretly my mind is coming up with she absolutely has an infection and it has most likely gone sepsis and she could die before the day is out. (this was done in the matter of an hour) And that was me trying to rein in the anxiety! :LOL
I was trying to keep myself calm by putting on music and calming oils. I was praying that I would be calm. I played with my grand daughters to keep my mind busy. It was starting to work! I was starting to calm down when Kenzie just wanted to sleep and be held because her head hurt. Kenzie did go to sleep, When she woke up her head ache was worse and her throat was sore. Now here is when I start escalating again (of course this is all taking place in my head and I am acting upbeat and laughing and joking with mom and the girls) No one would know that i am inside my head and starting to spiral out of control. I am sure that whatever Kenzie is sick with is going to kill my mom off if she isn't already dead! I am good at this! I have had a lot of years to practice. I start using my anti anxiety tools and I think I am getting all calmed down, NOPE!!!! I have pulled a bait and switch on myself. I have taken my mind off of my grand daughter and mother's illnesses and have switched to worrying about my son that is deployed currently. I have decided that it has been entirely too long since I have heard from him and so he is probably encountering issues and is most likely not safe! I look to see how long it has been since I last spoke to him and it has only been 4 days. Once again I start calming myself down. Then another monkey wrench is thrown in. When the twins 3 older sisters come over with my daughter I notice that Bailey is subdued (and if you knew Bailey you would know that this just does not happen) I give her a hug and we talk for a little bit. This whole time I have been talking to grandkids, friends, mom, my sister, etc. The only person aware of any of my anxiety is my sister. Okay here is the reason why it is almost 2 am and I can't sleep. After everyone goes home there is no one to help keep me busy. The house gets really quiet. My mind can go a hundred miles per hour. So I am reminding myself that mom is doing better tonight, I talked to my son that is deployed and all is well with him. I gave my daughter the heads up on Bailey so she can handle the problem there. I have let go of another secret by putting in my blog how my mind works. When the secret is out it loses power over me. I haven't had a panic attack and I didn't cut. I am just getting the last of my anxiety under control. Today turned out to be a good day. I am ready to go to sleep now. My favorite saying.... Tomorrow is another day :)
1 Comment
Ally
8/31/2018 12:32:56 pm
My anxiety is not without a basis, my mom is telling me she can't get enough oxygen. She also told me she is so weak she could die. I am getting better at handling my anxiety! This post is a celebration!!!
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I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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