When I go home last night I was so tired I was sure that I would crawl into bed and go into a deep and restful sleep... Nope! (I don''t know what made me think that just because I was so tired that all my safety features on my car were needed for me to make it home in one peace were utilized meant that I would actually get home have scriptures andprayer that I would fall right to sleep. Come to think about it I don't think I ever just came home and crashed!
Instead of falling into bed and having a dreamless wonderful restful sleep, after reading the scriptures and family prayer my anxiety kicked in! Lol (Anxiety and I have been together for decades... Maybe instead of trying to break up with anxiety, I need to learn how to deal with it like a family member than can be toxic. I can only let it hang out with me for limited time and then I need to walk away for a while so I can detox! As ( talked yesterday I discovered that I spoke some of the same language as my brother in law. We both speak AA!! I also speak evangelical christain at times and he does not! Oh well there are other friends that speak evangelical language with me. I also speak the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints language. ( I knew those sociological classes that I loved so much would come in handy someday!!! I just didn't know it would help me identify that I am multi-cultural!0 It might be hard for me to learn to speak languages of other countries, however, I do not have problems of picking up the languages of different social groups!) I am actually pretty proud of my self for recognizing the languages that I do speak! Well back to sleep or lack thereof! Mom and I read the scriptures and had family prayer and then I had my mins going round and round on what the savior had said and a CS Lewis saying came into my head that sort of went along with that. I started to think about what we are all capable of and it scared me a little bit of how a split second choice could taking each one of us down a very dark path or a path filled with life and love. I was thinking of the mistakes I had made in my life (Some of which were pretty big sins and then some were just being young and naive. There truly is a war of good and evil on this earth. The war that we need to worry about the most is the one inside of us!!! And fear can be one of the biggest liars in our head! I have a lot of fear! Fear and anxiety walk the same path most of the time! The problem with fear is that fear can be a warning to get us out of a bad situation, however, I am learning that fear most of the time is a big fat liar!!!! One of the biggest liar I have come across.. So WHY DO I BELIEVE IT SO MUCH!!!!! That scale of 1 to 5 I use to teach my students would probably help me!!!! Isn't it funny that I used to teach my students how to get through fears and be able to socialize with others and yet fear is my biggest problems!!! LOL Physician heal thyself!! Physicians are the worst patients and teachers are the worst students!!! LOL OOOPS I HAVE COMPANY COMING ANY MINUTE AND I AM STILL IN MY NIGHTGOWN WITH BEDHEAD HAIR!!!! TIME TO GET DRESSED!!!!! I WILL BE BACK LATER!
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I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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