I haven't written in my blog for a long time! Life sometimes comes at you really fast and you don't feel like you can breathe! That has been happening to me lately! Computer problems, kids going through some really rough times! Of course I want to help my kids by taking their hard times away from them but I can't. My sixth child is moving out today to his own apartment. This isn't his first time living out on his own so he isn't the baby I am saying goodbye too...
I sold my 2004 Toyota Rav4 and the teenager that I sold it to came and picked it up this morning... I had my anxiety first throw up of the day as soon as she left! I didn't know I was anxious about it! then I went into my room and a few tears were rolling down my face! I didn't know I was sad either! Then I sat and listened to my body and I could finally feel my feelings! (I know that sounds weird that I don't know how I feel; however, when you live in an anxiety world you learn to stuff your feelings down deep in your body. Your body remembers the feelings that you don't let your mind know about!) Now that I can feel my feelings I am going to try to tell you why I feel this way... When I was getting my divorce from my first marriage I felt shell shocked. I knew my ex wasn't going to go gracefully into the night because as he put it how dare you leave me and break our family apart with extreme anger!!! Although he played a big part in the demise of our marriage I guess if anyone did the leaving it was supposed to be him not me! I could literally feel his anger in the air around him it was so strong and I did not feel safe around him. Now to the car part... I was not having good luck with cars at that time... They either broke down or in a down pour I hydroplaned and hit a semi not once but twice... my car literally bounced off of the semi! I don't know how I didn't go under the semi and loose the top of the car and my life except for angels helping me. , Because I was a single mom in a divorce with someone that was furious with me for leaving and focused on this instead of the welfare of his children I was a very poor single mother. I was going to school full time so I could earn a living to support us and working a full time job and even had a part time job more times than not as well to help come up with some money to take care of my kids. As you can guess I didn't have a lot of money for a car! Like in ZERO! I didn't know what I was going to do especially since I had to drive in scary snow and iced over roads to exchange the kids. It didn't matter if I had a safe vehicle or that the roads were safe I had to have those kids to the pick up point depending on traffic 2 to 3 hours away and I had to be on time or he refused to return the kids to me or would report me to the court! I was literally at my wits end not knowing what to do and spent a lot of time on my knees in prayer! Then a miracle happened... An angel that had been friends with my parents before I was even born gave me the car that she had bought and used for her mission in a rural area where 4 wheel drive was needed!!! (I didn't even realize that kind of generosity existed!!!) As I am writing this the tears of gratitude are springing from my eyes again! It was a safe car with 4 wheel drive for those horrible winters and my dependent children and I all fit into this wonderful safe car!!! This car was the greatest gift that I put 230,000 miles on in times of stress, and concern for safety, extreme anxiety and sadness!!! I can't even explain to you the gratitude I felt along with the safety it helped me feel! Now that wonderful gift is gone and I feel some anxiety about losing that symbol of safety and gratitude! My Savior answered my prayers through a human angel that listened to the holy spirit and rescued me!!! I am going to miss my baby so very much!!!
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I am Ally. I am the center of my universe and I can determine whether to be a victim, survivor or thriver. At one time or another I have been all of the above... I am choosing to thrive!
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